Feel good about being rejected
Disarming your defenses
At some point we have all felt the pain of being rejected. Perhaps it was in a relationship where your partner no longer wanted to be with you, or no one seemed to want your skills or services, or perhaps your professional community or group of friend no longer included you.
Rejection can hurt like a bitch and it usually comes with a story that you are not needed, wanted, lovable or desired. That’s where the real pain sets in. Being rejected in and of itself is neutral. Its in our story and our attachment to a specific outcome where we create pain for ourselves.
For example, say you go for a job interview and you really don’t care if you get the job or not. You “get rejected” for the position and you experience neutrality rather than pain. Now say instead you go on a job interview for your dream job. You have more invested in achieving a certain outcome and tend to “take it personally” if the outcome is not what you desire.
When we take things personally we get defensive. We either pretend we don’t care, say we are just going to quit trying, or hopelessly try to fit in or change to get what we want at all costs. This is because we don’t want to feel the pain inside of loss, failure or disappointment. So the question becomes how do you relinquish attachment to an outcome and still care?
How to relinquish attachment and still care
Transform pain to pleasure
One of the most valuable (and challenging) things that I learned to do was to choose to feel good even when things seemed to not be going the way that I wanted them too. Conceptually this may sound easy. In practice it can feel more challenging. Say your partner of the last 7 years comes home and unexpectedly tells you that they no longer want to be with you. This seems devastating to you in the moment. Your whole life crashing around you. Everything you have worked to create seemingly going down the drain. How could you possibly feel good?
I will share a few things with you that I’ve learned when I’ve experienced life circumstances that felt like my life was going down an out of control path.
- The moment you get the news something isn’t working out how you want it too, feel the pain of it. Instead of letting your defenses mount, just feel the hurt.
- Next, even though you can’t see how what has just occurred is good for you, create the story in your mind that this is the best thing that could happen for all parties involved, and most importantly, believe it.
- Give some type of heart felt loving expression to or feel gratitude for the other party. See how it perfectly is working in their favor (and yours though you may not see it yet) and be appreciative.
If you do these “simple” steps you will feel less self-hatred (and other hatred), less displaced anger, less undesirability and more self- acceptance (instead of rejection). You will be acting out of deep care and love and it will free you up for what life wants to give you next. Sometimes we spend so much time resisting what is that is takes years for us to accept what life wants to give us next. Free yourself now so that you don’t spend years in unnecessary suffering.
Dr. Amanda Hessel, DC, Network Spinal Analysis & Somato-Respiratory Integration, Boulder, Colorado