Lover & Loved
Lack and Abundance
Most all of us have a hunger to be loved. Some people seek for love through affection and relationships, and others through accomplishment, success and acknowledgment. The largest wounding we have as humans is the feeling of being unlovable or like we are somehow not enough. We are constantly trying to prove our enoughness to ourselves through external validation that can come either directly from another person, or indirectly through following all of the societal and cultural checkboxes and expectations for what it is to be a good and acceptable person.
Your hunger to be loved might be hidden from your awareness. Sometimes we are not fully aware of what is underneath all of the things we do or the ways we show up as we just assume it is just who we are. However, upon deeper investigation we can often find that who we think we are and the things we think we want really come from a place of unlovability rather than true authentic desire. So how do we discern if what motivates our desires is coming from lack (meaning trying to prove ourselves) or from abundance (a pure sharing, expressing and being of ourselves)? It’s really quite easy, simply ask yourself if you are wanting something out of it. Any time that we want something out of something that we are doing, rather than to purely give to what we are doing, we are coming from a place of lack. Lack is always connected to not enoughness; not enoughness of self, not enoughness of resources, not enoughness of energy or opportunities. No matter what the not enoughness is doesn’t really matter, it is all birthed from the same level of consciousness and is therefore the same.
You can equate lack to a state of unlovability, or a state of being that doesn’t know what it is. When we don’t know what we are, meaning when we are not rested as love, then we will always feel some underlying hunger towards finding or getting it, because it seems to be missing. This hunger towards finding or getting love is innate to us because in truth love is our natural state of being. When we lose touch with love/ourselves (or perhaps have never known it) it is only natural that we will seek for it. That seeking is often sought at first as something outside of us (relationships or accomplishments) and with greater experience, discovery (and disappointment), alas we being to look for that very love inside of us.
Lover & Loved Become One
The One who Loves the Loved
When our outward search becomes less and less fulfilling and we realize the temporariness or inconsistency of love from “out there” which is dependent on people or circumstances doesn’t equal being rested as Love within ourselves, a new path must be sought. While receiving love and allowing ourselves to feel the love that we are which comes through the mirroring of things or other people is an important step, it is not the final destination. It’s not the final destination because when those people or things go away then our source of love/lovability goes away as well. We find ourselves back at square one not knowing what we are again as our source/reflection of love has gone away. We see this when relationships end or life circumstances change that disrupt our sense of self dramatically. We feel a sense of deep loss of self, aimless and not knowing who we are anymore because who we thought we were was entirely wrapped up in those external situations and relationships.
The only way to sustainably know yourself, to be centered and always connected to yourself is not only through being loved and feeling loved; you must also realize yourself as the Lover. Not just lover to others, but lover to your own loved self. The source from which love is created and flows. The one who loves the loved. Lover and loved are one. They are complementary pairs, which are always united, one does not exist without the other. To find that ultimate unity which we all crave, which is underneath all of our desires, which is the blueprint impulse of all of creation, can only be found in this pair of lover and loved, and reconnection with ourselves as both in one.
Disconnection from ourselves as Lover is why we feel so powerless, lost, and don’t know who we are. We keep thinking that Lover is found in people, things or in some aspect of creation, but it is not. Instead it is the source of all of creation. Looking outward to creation for the source of creation will never result in the creator being found. It must be found inside of you. Loved does not exist without Lover. We have been confused in knowing ourselves only as loved, only as expressions of creation and not as the source of it. You are the generator, the knower, the creator, the lover, not merely the expressions of such. When you see this truth and finally recognize yourself you will never again feel like you are unlovable because you will know that you are the lover, the generator of the loved, and thus so love is implied, inherent, and literally cannot be.
The Lover is not another object, thing or person. It is you. Its not the stuff or ideas that you call and identify as you, but the you that is the real you. We have been in the dark as to our true nature as lover. We have not been able to see how we can love this expression of love that we call ourselves due to this darkness. We are not victim to the darkness. We must simply turn our seeking direction around and stop looking out into creation for what which we seek. Instead we must become silent and turn our seeking inside, towards us, a direction we may have never looked before, and simply ask that the truth of ourselves be revealed to us. We must put on our big boy and girl pants and become accountable, disciplined and devoted to knowing ourselves as the Lover. Your full devotion to knowing yourself will reveal yourself to you. Nothing else will. Lover and loved reunite, become one, and never fall out of love again.
Dr. Amanda Hessel, Chiropractor, Network Spinal Analysis & Somato-Respiratory Integration, Boulder, Colorado