MORE THAN ENOUGH
Coping strategies to avoid
Feeling like we are not enough is the most pervasive of human wounds. It is a cloak nearly all of us wear. A deep sense of inadequacy, unworthiness, and unlovability. Our biggest fear is that we are not lovable and that who we are is not valuable, and because of this we seek outside of ourselves for significance and love, thinking that it must be elsewhere. That it must be something that we need to earn, achieve or somehow otherwise get. This patterning, and our belief in our unlovability interferes more with the expression of ourselves than anything else does. It is our biggest roadblock to fulfillment, health and well-being. It stops us in our tracks, keeps us in our comfort zone, allows us to think small, live small and keep a certain distance from ourselves and others.
We have all learned strategies to cope or manage with the sense of fundamentally being not enough. So much so that you might not even recognize the not enough story playing in the background of your psyche. Some people learn to achieve, do and accomplish in order to not hear that voice of not enough. Others learn to give as much as possible to others hoping that their not enoughness won’t be seen in the flurry of doing for others. Other strategies include distracting ourselves with whatever we can find to distract ourselves with, leaving our body and living up in our heads or far away in the stars, creating or maintaining unaligned relationships, and/or distancing ourselves from life and others. We all have utilized or are utilizing some or all of these strategies. Without doing so life would be unimaginably hard. Yet there is a cost to these strategies, which is that we never get to really just be or relax as ourselves.
This keeps us exhausted and the fulfillment of the moment and the sweetness of life never seem to arrive. It often feels like they are somewhere other than where we are. If we can just keep up our strategies then we will get there. We can see it on the horizon, even taste it, but it always seems like it’s just right out of our reach. Never being able to surrender to and feel the not enoughness we keep at our strategies, convinced we will arrive in bliss, yet bliss can’t get in. It can’t reach us or touch us because it is a completely different frequency than what we are currently constituting ourselves as (ie. not enough). We can’t see how we are keeping all of it at bay. We just believe that we are almost there while continuing to convince ourselves that there is somewhere else we can get too. The thing is that there isn’t. So that idea that we have in our mind stays just as that, an idea of fulfillment, bliss, and well-being that we continually chase and almost just touch, but never live.
FINDING THE GIFT
Being all that you are
Inside of every wound there is a gift. In fact the entire spiritual journey is moving from wound into the gift of whatever the wound gives us. It’s seeing how we couldn’t be who we are and share what we do without that wound. However we can’t always just jump right into the gift from the wounded place. There is learning involved (ie. transformation) before we can resolve, come to peace and give the gift that the wound gave us. Even though most of us know conceptually that we are enough, many have not embodied it. If they had we would be living in an incredibly self-empowered world, which we are not. Rather we live constricted by our inner fears of expressing ourselves, of being not accepted by others, of not being able to make it, of not deserving, of being judged, cast out, separated, and of being left alone. We feel these fears as limitations and often rather than noticing our deep story of inadequacy and unlovability we go into feeling like we don’t know how. We think if we just knew the how or the what of our next step or steps then everything would be clear and we would feel better.
Not knowing how or what is our biggest “excuse”, if you will, to not move into our expression, power and worth. It’s how we avoid, deny or escape the feelings of not enoughness. The first step in any transformational process is courage. That means courage to feel not enough rather than stuff it down or pretend that it’s not there (ie. spiritual bypassing). Without acknowledging and feeling not enough we don’t have the energy, fuel or momentum to take new actions. This is why we frequently feel like we don’t know how/what. While it’s true that you may not know all of the details, when you face not enoughness head on you generate an inner power that knows how to figure it all out, even the stuff you currently don’t know.
Often I hear people say that they don’t want to feel certain things, such as not enoughness, because they feel like they will never get out of them. Like they will fall into a pit of despair from which there is no escape. I find that the real pit of despair is avoidance of what we are feeling and/or staying in the story of what we are feeling, while not actually feeling what we feel. The result of avoiding what we feel is that we experience stagnation, we feel stuck, we don’t grow, we continue to feel bound in limitation and never generate the energy we need to change. While feeling things, like our sense of unworthiness or not enoughness, is not a picnic in the park, it will with time generate movement in your system. You will start to see a pathway through. You will begin to feel a hunger surge up inside of you. You will take new action, think different thoughts, and see things in novel ways. A power will rise up in you that says, “Enough of this! I am enough! I do deserve! I do matter!”. You become less and less afraid to express or be yourself. You will discover the paradox of the simultaneity of relaxation and action.
The gift in having the courage to face, feel and transform is that you give what you learn. The world needs the gift of you. No one else can be the specific frequency or flavor that you are. Your flare is perfectly as it should be. None is better or worse. Moving that knowing from concept into embodiment is the missing link. To surrender to who you are, just as you are, perceived inadequacies and all, everything included, is when you truly become a channel for all that you are here to be.
Dr. Amanda Love, Chiropractor, Network Spinal Analysis & Somato-Respiratory Integration, Boulder, Colorado