Beyond belonging 

Sacrificing dreams over needs 

Our need to belong to someone or something is strong.  It gives us a sense of security, certainty and significance.  The desire for inclusion and being a part of something can create community and support, which can help us achieve our goals and dreams.  However when our need to belong is stronger than the dream or vision we are serving, than ultimately belonging holds us back.

Let’s say for example that you have the vision to create a new business and with that a community of people to partake in your services and offerings.  You start to develop your plan and your community starts growing.  As this occurs you realize that you feel a pressure to show up in certain ways because you believe others expect that of you.  As this pressure builds you start to fall out of love with your original vision and you start to feel trapped.  Your creative juices don’t flow as easily.  Your need to belong and be accepted by your community has overridden your desire to create your original intention.

For another example let’s look at relationships.  Say you have a close friend or partner.  When you first came together you had a desire to share and create something together such as a family, life or shared vision.  Over time “keeping” the relationship became more important than the vision of what you want to create that brought you together.  When you try to hold onto something, making it fixed and static, it takes the life out it.  Fear of loss of what is (and not belonging or being a part of something or someone) overrides the creative exploration and play of what can become.  Resentment, anger and stagnation are born.

Finding your inherent worth & significance

Healing your need to belong

So why do we have such a strong need to belong, fit in and be a part of something or someone else?  The root lies in our own feelings of lack of worth and significance.  When we don’t feel inherently worthy, purposeful, important and significant than we look for it outside of ourselves.  We create that sense of worth and importance through relationships, jobs, and extracurricular activities.

When we foresee the potential loss of those things that we have learned to get our worth from we also simultaneously feel the impending loss of our self because our worth and significance are dependent on them.  This is why people stay in jobs, relationships or situations often times years past their expiration date.  They are avoiding feeling that loss of self.  People determine, often unconsciously,  that a low level of everyday misery caused by staying stuck somewhere is better than feeling the complete devastation of loss of themselves, their worth, and value and importance.

The key term here to notice here is inherent.  Inherent worth and significance means that without doing or saying anything you are worthy.  With having nothing to offer or give you are worthy.  It means that simply by your very essence of being, naked of all labels, you are worth.  Most people don’t get this.  They think their  worth and significance must earned or achieved.  They cannot receive their own essence, so they are continually efforting, proving and resisting their nature.

So what is required to heal your need to belong?  Boldness.  Taking risks.  Allowing what is ready to go go.  Loving without conditions.  Not fighting what is.  Dropping perceived needs for true desires.  Knowing that your true nature can never be lost, is not dependent on other people or things, and ultimately that you can’t not be included as true community includes everyone and everything.  Simply because one aspect of creation appears to no longer want or accept you it does not mean you are unwanted or unaccepted.  It simply means that there is another aspect of creation that wants you more.

Dr. Amanda Hessel, Chiropractor, Network Spinal Analysis & Somato-Respiratory Integration, Boulder, Colorado