Trusting Others

Trusting Others 

Fear, betrayal & mistrust

Men's hands hold the female palms.

Relationships with others are key to life.  It is nearly impossible to have zero relationships with others as our world is interconnected and inter-reliant.  We rely on others to support us in various ways as they symbiotically rely on us.  Relationships can be causal such as the the one you have with the person who checks out your groceries or they can be more intimate such as that which you have with your family or significant others.  

The foundation that underlies all relationships is our capacity to trust others.  If we’ve had experiences of betrayal, being hurt, left or not seen/heard by others than our capacity to willing trust other people can be diminished.  We may find it challenging to open our selves up to others and trust that we won’t feel hurt by them.  At the extreme end of mistrust of others we may isolate ourselves as much as possible from other people and minimize relational interactions, even ones that support our basic needs.  We may feel skeptical of everyone and vigilant to their behaviors as we look for any subtle sign that we might get hurt, disappointed, or let down by them.  At the most extreme end there is simply the assumption that we will get hurt no matter what and we therefore completely close off ourselves to other people even if we have to interact them.  We don’t allow for an energetic exchange to occur between ourselves and others and therefore our experience is quite lonely, sometimes cynical, and we can come off as harsh, cold or mean to others.

When we lack trust in others we will often find reasons why we can’t trust based upon another person’s actions or lack of actions. We will use their actions/non-actions as a justification to ourselves as to why we can/can’t trust.  In this way our capacity to trust will seem external to us and dependent on the person(s) rather than the recognition of our internal choice to trust.  When we don’t recognize our internal choice to trust or not trust we will feel powerless and like it is not up to us, but instead up to them.  Often we will expect them to somehow change so that we can trust them.  This is the disownment of our power and the projection of that internal disowned state onto other people.  

Its important to recognize that this pattern of behaviors of mistrust is not us.  It is not who we are even if we are engaging in it.  Instead it is simply a protective pattern/mechanism which we have learned in order to protect ourselves from getting hurt.  As long as we keep the pattern going then we can keep people at a distance and the fear we have of feeling hurt by them is diminished.  The down side of this is that we don’t get to develop the level of closeness, intimacy and joy of being with others that most of us crave.   

Divine Relating 

Courage & resolution

divine relatingWe are all familiar with the phrase “divine timing”, which implies the resting into the perfect unfolding and sequencing of life events.  This capacity to rest into divine timing is birthed from our willingness to trust the timing of life.  This means being ok with not knowing for certain at what pace things will unfold but knowing that however they unfold will be perfect and that it will all work out in the right timing.  This same trusting which we can do with timing also occurs in relationship to others.  I like to call it “divine relating”.  

What is divine relating?  Divine relating is birthed from an internal state of trust of others.  It has nothing to do with the other person, but only with you and your willingness to trust others.  Trust always implies not knowing for certain what the outcome of any moment, situation, interaction or relationship will be.  Simultaneously with that uncertainty is an inner knowingness that however it turns out it will be ok, even if that means that at some point you feel hurt by another.  Its the willingness to stay open and feel the hurt rather than close yourself off from other people altogether.  There are no guarantees as to how we will feel at some moment in the future and living trying to protect ourselves from never feeling hurt, disappointed, unseen or unheard is a very lonely life.  

So is there some kind of perceived risk in trusting others?  From our mind’s perspective absolutely.  Our minds and their patterns are all about minimizing risk and protecting us from pain.  If we solely listen and abide by our mind’s protective patterns then we will live the experience of a very limited life where things will be mostly flat/neutral.  Well this will be ok for many people and is the life that most people live, for those that want to experience a greater range of life experience and ultimately freedom, they will need to learn a different way.  The entry point or metaphorical door to that different way is trust.  

When we have the courage to choose trust and not base our current experience on our past experiences we can create a new pathway for ourselves that is empowering.  One where we see that it is up to us to choose trust and that it is not dependent on others.  One where we can create empowering boundaries for ourselves based on our preferences and standards for what we want and deserve.  

When we completely resolve the pattern of mistrust of others we realize that our soul, essence, true self has never been hurt or harmed.  Though our body or mind may have experienced hurt we realize that we are not our body or mind and that ultimately there is no other.  To love other is to love self.  To love self is to love other.  Through choosing trust we breakdown the walls of separation and experience the unity that always has been and is.  We end the internal fight.  We feel what it is to rest.  We directly experience connectedness and stop creating separation.  

Unity is inescapable.  We cannot keep anything or anyone separate from it no matter how hard we insist on trying.  It is all inclusive.  On the other side of mistrust is immense love and compassion for self, other and all.  This love dissolves the bars around our heart and reunites it with the one heart of all.  

Dr. Amanda Hessel, Chiropractor, Network Spinal Analysis & Somato-Respiratory Integration, Boulder, Colorado

Trusting the Timing of Life

Trusting the Timing of Life 

Scarcity of time

19563913 - hands holding sand flowing down on a clock covered in sand

What is time?  Who set the clocks and put the hands where they reside?  Who decided how many days make up this thing we call a year?  Why is it that we never feel like we have enough time, or sometimes too much of it, or that things aren’t occurring in proper rhythm within it?  Time is but an arbitrary construct that we’ve created in our mind and yet we allow ourselves to feel controlled, confined or ruled by it.  We tell ourselves that such and such (i.e. a project, the trajectory of a relationship we are in, something we want to buy or create, the healing of our body, our healing process in general, our spiritual evolution, etc.) must be completed or accomplished within a certain time frame or else it means xyz.  Xyz is “I’ve failed”, “It’ll never happen”, “I won’t make it”, “Its hopeless”’ “Everything will fall apart”, “I won’t have enough money, love or support”, “I’ll die”, “Things won’t work out for me”, “I’ll hurt or suffer forever”, and the like.  You can see there is a lot of pressure we place on ourselves and life all due to the stories that we create about what the timing of things means.  

There is also an overarching tendency for us as humans to rush things and make them occur as fast as possible.  We have very little tolerance for a slower pace particularly due to our increasingly fast paced world.  Advancements in technology have allowed communications to happen nearly instantaneously that used to take a week or month to occur.  We are learning to expect that everything move at this instantaneous pace less we get impatience or start to think that something is wrong with us, others or the world if it doesn’t move quickly.  This expectation for immediacy along with bombardment of the senses has placed our nervous systems into sympathetic dominance (active mode) and has left us challenged in our capacity to relax and be present.  Instead we are easily distractible and have trouble maintaining our attention in the present which is here now because we think that what is here now should include something else or more and we can’t pause ourselves long enough to even see what is here.  

Our story of scarcity of time has its foundation in our lack of trust of the natural unfolding.  Our perspective of not enough time, things not occurring fast enough or not happening now when we want them be happening now leaves us feeling victim to time while doing our best to try to beat time.  We focus on what we feel we will lose, what we will have to shift and all the things that will occur that we think we don’t want to occur because the timing of life isn’t working out for us.  We think that we know what is the best unfolding of everything and forget that we actually don’t.  We truly don’t have a clue what or when things are supposed to happen.  Things occur exactly at the pace they must whether or not we are personally in agreement with that timing.   

Being in the Present 

Stably awake

hourglass angel wingsBeing present brings with in a sense of wakefulness and aliveness that we all hunger deeply for.  To be stably present or awake is the goal of all healing and of the spiritual path.  Get that.  The goal is not that you feel different, have different sensations, achieve certain things, succeed in finishing projects, get the relationship you want, have connection to your higher self, experience all the mystical inlays and outlays of universe, etc, but instead the only goal is that you arrive to now.  Not replaying the past, not focused on the future, but here now.  No matter how comfortable or uncomfortable the here now is, it is the only place that life occurs.  To not be here is to be lost in thoughts or other distractions.  This is the place of wishful thinking and hoping things change, but not being able to make any impact because you aren’t present and are stuck in your head/thoughts instead.

This goal of presence if you will must be realized in the moment rather than one that occurs in the future or “in time”.  When you are fully present you then realize that there is no time, but until you arrive here in this moment life will seem like a constant linear progression with past and future.  Presence is key so that we are awake to whatever wants to unfold in this moment, rather than what our mind tells us should be happening in this moment.  To be focused on our minds timeline will produce suffering each and every time.  To instead be present is to know everything that is needed in this moment and to move perfectly with it.  

Humility is the number one required ingredient when you arrive at the door of the present moment.  Humility means that you drop all of your insistences of what should be here now and accept that you don’t know the timing of things.  Your mind simply does not know.  You have access to one perspective that you call you within an infinitely large mind that is communicating with itself in ways that are currently unfathomable to your one perspective.  Its like being the letter “A” on a computer keypad that has infinite letters and although you know all about the letter “A”, what it feels like to be it, how the world looks from the letter “A”, you have no awareness of what it is to be another letter or even what occurs when you combine with different letters, you become something else completely when you do.  You lose your identity as A and therefore your perspective changes.  

When we have enough humility to say that we don’t know we allow a larger perspective to reveal itself and we come to know ourselves as something different than we thought we were.  It is here that we can perceive an orchestration of timing that we could not perceive before.  The timing of events, situations, circumstances, feeling states, sensations, the body’s healing and more reveal themselves.  We see how not a single strand of hair, a single breath, or a single event or situation has ever been out of place or out of timing.  This is the process of transformation from scarcity of time or fighting the timing that what is occurring into being rested, present and in sync with the larger organizing principle of life.  

Dr. Amanda Hessel, Chiropractor, Network Spinal Analysis & Somato-Respiratory Integration, Boulder, Colorado