BEING DIRECT

BEING DIRECT 

Showing up for what you want

So often we beat around the bush of life, holding our breath, hoping no one gets upset and that everything magically works out.  Rather than be direct, upfront and approach things face on we attempt to see what we can get away with in saying or doing as little as possible.  When we don’t face things head on we tend to experience a lot of anxiety.  We get caught up in thoughts about how things will turn out because we’ve left so much unclear and unattended too.  This is a main source of confusion for most, not the external situation but our own ambiguity.  

Why do we choose confusion and ambiguity?  Primarily because we don’t want to the lose the thing that we think we want.  The fear of loss of the desired object is greater than that of clarity and knowing and so we often choose confusion over clarity.  Let’s take relationships for example.  Say that you desire something from your partner, maybe its more affection or intimate connection, yet you are afraid to ask your partner for this because you don’t want to rock the boat.  You are afraid of their response, and beyond that, that their response will create greater disconnection or separation, which is exactly the thing you don’t desire.  By not rocking the boat your resentment over not asking for what you want starts to build and build.  The distance in your relationship grows greater even though you might still be together and your true desire for more connection remains unmet or un-actualized.  You get opposite of what you truly want, and what’s worse is that you have prolonged it. You’ve stayed stuck for fear to move forward and be direct.

In being direct you must be willing to let the thing that you think you want go.  If you can’t let it go, then you will not be free in your actions or words to move in the direction of your true desire.  Instead you will be guarded, full of agenda and trying to preserve what is, which again is what you don’t actually want.  Simply notice where you hold back, where you don’t speak up when you have something to say, or where you feel anxious in uncertainty.  These are all indicators of indirectness and of choosing ambiguity over clarity.  When you let go of the things, all the things you think you need or want, a lightness opens up in you.  It’s like the sky of your mind becomes clear again and whatever actions need to be taken reveal themselves to you.  Fear of loss is what cripples us from taking action and moving forward in our lives.  It creates missed opportunities, postponement of true desires and mixed frequencies of intent.  It’s what we call stress, but really it us not being direct with ourselves and others.   

LETTING OUTCOME GO 

Desiring & not expecting

Not wanting anything from anything or anyone is the way to be the clearest, most direct version of yourself and have everything in your life be a mirror of this clarity.  Not wanting anything from anything or anyone is not opposite to being direct and asking for what you want even though it seems paradoxical.  It’s being direct about what works for you and doesn’t work for you, what you want and what you don’t want, without needing the person or thing you are being direct with to respond or react in any specific way.  Instead you remain open.  Open to whatever the response, reactions and results are and then you take your next actions from there.  This is love, transparency and being true.  Your wants and desires drive you into a particular direction (that direction is the fulfillment of your purpose or service) while simultaneously not mattering at all what outcomes come as a result.  

As a collective we are very outcome driven.  We are conditioned to think that only the results matter.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.  In fact I would suggest that the results matter not at all, not even the ones you think you want really badly.  That might seem crazy and contradictory to some.  See its not the thing, its never the thing we want, ever.  Not the relationship, the person, the car, the house, the connection, the job, etc.  Its the state of being or feeling that thing seems to give us that we want.  That state of being typically has something to do with clarity, presence and love.  At the core that is what most everybody wants, but we project that onto people and stuff and then think it comes from them and that it looks a specific way.  

Not wanting anything from anything or anyone while still moving in the direction of your wants and desires is being in love.  We’ve all tasted this before.  It’s especially easy to experience this in the beginning of a new relationship where you simply enjoy the person without wanting anything from them.  As soon as we expect or want a certain outcome to occur the relationship feels tougher because we are no longer operating honoring the freedom that each person is.  Instead we are trying to get our needs and wants met.  For a moment simply entertain this- having wants and desires, moving boldly, at all costs and with your heart fully engaged in the direction of those wants and desires, while simultaneously not needing any of them to be met in any specific way.  If I had to give love a definition that would be it.  It is to be in full alignment with yourself, to be direct, to be clear, to allow the impulse of your desires to move you forward and guide your actions and direction, and to give all the rest of it away.  

Don’t back down, don’t be shy, go for it.  Be willing to keep your heart fully open and engaged as your guiding light and let everything and everyone have their experience.  No need to manipulate or control it at all.  Not even a little bit.  No need to dumb it down by being indirect and creating ambiguity.  No need to hold your breath and hope it all works out.  This is ease and flow, but not the light and airy kind, instead the fully open and committed to life, self and service kind.  Be bold.  Be courageous.  Let your heart speak.  Risk vulnerability.  Risk it all.  

Dr. Amanda Love, Chiropractor, Network Spinal Analysis & Somato-Respiratory Integration, Boulder, Colorado

Authentic Caring

Caring Disguised as Agenda 

How do we care without agenda?

man manipulated by cunning woman to make a proposalWhether we want to admit it or not most of us have an agenda to the things that we do and the ways we behave, particularly when it comes to other people.  Agenda can be tricky for us to see in ourselves.  Often it is disguised as caring, but when we dissect it out further we frequently find that our caring isn’t pure.  We discover that we really want something in return for the things we do or the ways that we behave, even if its simply to be talked to, treated or touched a certain way, or to have others love us or show up in a way that we are more comfortable with or desire to be around.  

Anytime we want anything in return for the way that we show up, the things we say or ways we behave, our caring is tainted with agenda.  Though wanting something in return may seem very normal or innocent to us, or even like we are entitled to it, it creates immense underlying and unnecessary suffering for us which we are often not really aware of.  It also creates a situation where we not truly being ourselves.  It pulls us out of our authentic self and we become some semblance of “ourselves” that we’ve learned to be and which we think gets us what we want from others.  Often these ways of being that we’ve learned are so engrained in us that we actually think we are them, when in truth they are just strategies and ways we’ve learned to navigate this world to feel internally safe and comfortable.

There is also often this inherent thing that happens when we care.  Its as though caring activates something inside of us that makes us want to control or manipulate the outcome or circumstances of our caring.  This can be seen in anything from a project you are working on, a business venture, the creation of a family, a book you’re writing, a relationship that you are in, etc.  As soon as we “care” there is this gripping that comes along with our caring.  We unconsciously hold our breath, tense up, and can’t stop thinking about how it will turn out, as if any of those actions will help our caring or the outcome.  This is where our initial excitement or care for something turns into manipulation, control and ultimately agenda.   

Authentic Caring 

Service vs. Slave

little girl bubbleBeing of service is true caring and that doesn’t arrive until you are completely without personal agendas.  This is how you can see/know exactly what will support life rather than trying to “figure it all out”.  Whenever there is a personal agenda you will find yourself feeling like a slave rather than feeling like you are being in service.  Service is simply being yourself completely and participating with life from the fullness of being yourself; sharing/expressing whatever excitement or thing naturally arises.  Service feels effortless and organic even though there is still work and activity involved.  Where being a slave is feeling like you have to do something, make something in particular happen, or showing up in ways that are not authentic to you.  Slavery feels effortful, disempowering and like something that you have to do or else you won’t be taken care of or things won’t work out for you or others.  

Rather than the focus being on what you care about, try shifting your focus onto simply being yourself.  For example say you are starting a project or a new relationship and you feel excitement being engaged within it.  The excitement is evident, but then the idea of the “future” comes in.  What will happen in the future?  What will be the future of this project or relationship?  We often get so ahead of where we are at that we lose contact with the present moment.  We begin to live in a future “idea” rather than where we are now.  Most people are living this way.  This makes us feel heavy, like things are effortful or hard, when really the effort or hardness is just our own manipulation or control of what is.  Things aren’t hard or heavy in and of themselves, its simply our relationship with what is that makes it seem so. We say to ourselves that our caring is motivating us, but really what is motivating us is a particular, hopeful outcome that we have for the project or relationship.  With this we begin to feel like a victim to our own desires and like we aren’t in control, which is why we attempt to control and manipulate everything.  Our focus is not on being ourselves, but instead on what we think we “care” about.  We’ve actually lost touch with caring because we’ve lost touch with ourselves.  

This is also where we drop out of being in service and into being a slave.  We are really being a slave to ourselves yet we think its to our circumstances and situations.  A slave to our own ideas, hopes, dreams and perceived needs to be comfortable and have the illusion of external safety,  security and love.  We give away being our true selves in exchange for our ideas and with this deep down we feel that we are out of touch with true caring.  We may become aloof or feel that its hard to connect with our heart.  We see that most of our “caring” is really an attempt to manage and control life.  We can even give the illusion that we are “on purpose” because we are doing all the right things yet we feel exhausted and unfulfilled.  We are only fooling ourselves. 

True caring is being connected to our hearts.  This is also how we are most authentically ourselves.  With that we no longer need to behave in ways that have underlying self-protective or self-assuring agendas because we know we (and all) are already taken care of and there is no thing we need to manipulate or control, even that which we seem to care about the most.  Trust arrives.  We can then be truly self-less (which is loving self) and truly without agenda (which is loving other) and experience true caring.  

Dr. Amanda Hessel, Chiropractor, Network Spinal Analysis & Somato-Respiratory Integration, Boulder, Colorado